When “I Can” Becomes “I Must”

Just because we CAN doesn't mean we should.

I've had a version of this conversation on repeat lately with brilliant—and burned out—Scientist Mothers.

They tell me about the reviews they agreed to, the committees they joined, the last-minute talks they said yes to, the collaborations they couldn't quite turn down. And then they say some version of: "I could make it work. So I did. And now I have no time for anything that truly moves the needle in my own work and life."

I know that reflex intimately, because academia raised us in it.

We were trained to be capable at a level that is genuinely remarkable. We can move mountains of work at breakneck pace. We can write the grant in ten days. We can teach the course we were handed three weeks before the semester. We can be the one who always delivers.

But too many "yes"es come at a cost. Sleep goes first. Then moving our bodies. Then unhurried time with the people we love.

And then it starts costing us the work itself. The projects with the greatest impact on the patients and communities we're here to serve. The grants that sustain our careers. The papers and work products that actually get us promoted. Those are the things that quietly slide, because nobody else is waiting on them.

Capability became our qualification. If we CAN, we assume we MUST.
But capability is not the same thing as alignment. And endurance is not the same thing as a life.

So here is the question I have been asking. Not "can I do this?" — I already know the answer to that. If I put my mind to it and crowd out enough of everything else, I can do almost anything that is asked of me. That's exactly the problem.

Instead: "Does this belong to the life and career I am actually trying to build? And what will I have to put down to make room for it?"

The Scientist Mothers I partner with have grit to spare. What they're practicing is harder than grit: turning down work they're completely qualified to do, and letting a genuinely good opportunity go by to protect what's most important.

So: what's one thing on your plate right now that you took on only because you could?

You're allowed to put it down.

Further reading — Lindsay Crouse's NYT opinion piece from last weekend, "Men Are Onto Something. Quitting Is Great."